I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
Not sure what happened last night, but there are four mini bikes outside and some guy is wearing my shirt passed out in the breakfast nook. Won't be telling the grand kids about this one.
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
