Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
Family trip though. I generally don't wheel too much ass with the fam in tow. Despite the fact my parents would be pleased if I did.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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