We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
You told us that you don't have to wait in line at Taco Bell. Then, drove up to the window and grabbed someone else's food.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
First encounter with a mirco peen. I was confused when he said he doesnt go down on girls. Cmon dude, practice on a peach.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
