Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
