Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Apparently getting dressed is an all-day activity.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
He screamed, "Let there be light!" when he came
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