ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
Mid thrust, say hold on I need a pic for my friend.
How's the party?
I'm watching two people get flogged. Sothere's that.
Randomize
