Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
