Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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