someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
i just threw up in a potted plant at home depot
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
Randomize
