I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
