Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
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