My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
'lets look at pictures of your friend's new baby' was probably the worst post-sex idea we've ever had
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Randomize
