I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Randomize
