I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
I just fucked her in her boyfriends bathroom... he was in the room sleeping.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
I knew I was in for a long night after I filled the empty pinata carcass with beer, bit off the top of one of it's legs and used it as a beer bong.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
