I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
You're a waste of cheezeits
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
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