I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
Is it weird I updated my facebook status from my phone while I had explosive diarrhea in my boss's private bathroom?
That would be awkward if he commented on your status
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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