I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Randomize
