So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
My drug dealer was just on ESPN..
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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