I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Walk of Shame today included voting.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
Randomize
