i woke up to her playing with my penis. just wiggling it around and around. awkward night? i would say so.
sunday morning discovery: something purple, smelly, and sticky my hair. any suggestions?
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Randomize
