I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
Having a conversation over beer pong about a threesome I participated in...it's only Wednesday
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
I'm studying. And by studying I mean I am laying on my floor drinking boones farm alone. Last two weeks. Fuck it.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize
