That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I bought a Christmas tree in my drunken state last night, after walking a half mile in search of vino and prior to my apparently playing boardgames with my boyfriend's family. There is no way you are on my level.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
Weird, Jen didn't know mixers were solely for coloring purposes. Don't call me an alcoholic because you're uneducated
He told me that he'd ride his snowmobile from Cincinnati to Toledo in this blizzard just so I could give him head.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
So you just held his hand and he fucking came...?
Randomize
