Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake
Who the fuck is this
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I wear drunk well.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
Randomize
