you can't spend the night you always smell like dirty underwear and my roommates complain
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Randomize
