New low: just hacked my moms facebook
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Hey did you take a shower last night at like 4am?
"ummm...." (Thinking in my head) wet towel, soaking wet hair, clean pjs on backwards... "that would make more sense then what I thought happened..."
Randomize
