I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
He is now tagging himself in my pics from last year where he is barely visable in the corner. i feel like he's marking his territory.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
