dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
