You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
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