I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
When I was sick she came over with Call of Duty, animal crackers and a handjob. Honor says I can't dump her until Easter
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
Randomize