At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Doc gave me something stronger than Xanax. The pills have your last name imprinted on them. This cannot be coincidence.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
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