she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Randomize
