walking home from your place the other day I saw a man with a ponytail sitting on some church steps petting a plant
he should get drunk with us
at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
Forgot to mention there might be a picture of me being thrown in the air while at a Mexican restaurant
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
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