I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
I could barely talk to the cabbie and I was text bombing everyone. They need to make an auto timer app to prevent people like me from belligerent late night harrassing. And I was seeing double... Prob would have tried to give your leg a bj and then fallen down the stairs.
The pigeons can smell the fear
Wtf
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
Randomize
