why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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