I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
its not facebook stalking, its market reasearch
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
where are you?
Hypothermia
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
