So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Randomize
