our cab driver is having phone sex.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
she said, "is it ok if I touch it?" that's when I knew I was in trouble... I knew she was a virgin but seriously..
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
