Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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