What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Randomize