I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
Just successfully made home fries from potatoes we used as bowls while stoned as shit. I deserve a trophy.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
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