Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Pride log, day two. Noticing more bruises and scrapes. Liver functions probably very lowered.
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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