Apparently you make a good broom.
Things to remember: Girls don't appreciate it when you yell "Beast Mode!" when switching to doggy style.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
At no time is it ever okay for my doctor to compliment my tattoos, when giving me a physical exam.......
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Wasted. And I have 5 pounds of potatoes that I'm responsible for.
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