His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
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