There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
i can't believe i brushed your teeth last night. so drunk.
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
