So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I think I'm pregnant again.
or as we call it, thursday.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
