I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
we're making bets on your personal life
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I don't hate him I just hate being present to see him consume 80 dollars worth of alcohol and then try to tip people with left over money on a Walmart gift card
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I masterbated poison ivy onto my penis, it hasn't been this upset with me since the Take one for the team fiasco of 02.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
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