True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.
that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
