apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
literally took my pants off in the middle of bourbon last night without taking off my heels im a super human i guess
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
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