Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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