jusi got death stares at taco bell because I asked if Denise was working.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
YOU CAN'T JUST ADD EVERYONE WHO ENTERS MY VAGINA ON FACEBOOK WTF
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
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