totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
i had sex with a girl named after a fruit last night and it was the best thing to happen to me in 2020
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