i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
There are a bunch of highly educated, advanced in their field, PUSSY ASS BITCHES in this bar
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
Randomize
