Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
