Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Randomize
