Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
Based on the pics I have taken of hookups while they were passed out or sleeping, I have scientifically concluded that no two vagina lips are the same. They are like snowflakes.
I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
Randomize
