So tired and we had a cokehead in the salon today making us bleach her whole head because she thought it would let her pass her drug test for custody of her kid
Oh.My.God.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
My vagina feels like a chupacabra ripped me apart using its mythological set of needle pointed teeth
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Randomize
