Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
We have so much sex to catch up on
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
After sending me a dick pic, he asked, "yay or nay?"
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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