Practice the "sorry I may have given you herpes" conversation with me before I call him and break the news
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
I miss Michael Jackson so much sometimes
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
she told me i tasted like america
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
When did it become normal to wake up in the middle of the night to take a group bathroom break and have a 10 minute discussion on where the next football game is?
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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