Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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