I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
All I know is that it's pretty damn mean to put a glass wall in a bar.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
well i fell out of the hot tub and tumbled down the hill and kicked a plant in the process.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
