The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
pissed the bed twice, first one side then rolled over , other side. boom.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
