Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
look, my penis is an amusement park, and it's closed for maintenance. why can't you just accept that?
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
I know he’s married, but he’s still a guy with balls and a dick. He noticed my cleavage and stared at my ass. He’ll call.
Randomize
