I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
